Activists' Community

Hello everybody,

maybe you can all help me preparing the first supporters meeting I'll be doing.
I'm already amazed by the effect of writing the announcement on the father (single parent with a major depression). He's initiating, he's being creative in finding solutions and searching for accurate words. He has been able to see his child's feelings and behaviour as separate things. He's restarted his vigilant care (without mentioning this aspect specifically in treatment) towards his child. He says he feels stable and has remarkably changed in attitude! I can go on and on... and I do so towards him in complementing him (sometimes a compliment can already be accepted!).
But now we are planning a supporters meeting and he's quite sceptical about it (since the supporters are at the moment polarized in helpers for him and helpers, who devaluate him, for his child). There is little understanding for his past behaviour towards his child by the latter group.
The behaviour of the child is also not that extreme for others (yelling, sulking, also clinging behaviour in dangerous situations eg while cooking). This has progressively worsened. The father was able to annouce that clinging behaviour he can't accept when people say she has to stop. He externalized the yelling and sulking as "things" that prohibit him from helping her with her feelings when necessary (she is blocked in a morning for the death of her mother). He announced that he will resist those things prohibiting him from helping/understanding her and that he'll always be there for her.
He did the announcement together with a nurse from the ward. (the effect this has had on the ward I can write also a whole message on...but my children also need some presence, so I'm controlling myself).
So, I think I will start the supporters meeting with an overall explanation why we are there and let the father repeat his mission and then talk about the basic attitude (no control over and respect for the child, acting self control) and the need for support the strengthen the message of the father.Then I will have to see from there.
Are there other things I should think about? Does it matter where the meeting is? I find parents wanting to do it at their home (this is a possibility for us so I'm inclined to do so).
So since I'm a bit nervous I would appreciate some support in doing this first meeting.

Thanks in advance,
Elfi

Hi elfi
Reading your work with the father was really exciting. It had taught me once again the significant of NVR to families who find themselves alone needing to confront situations which cause distress and feelings of helpless and pain. It is now really late in Israel but tomorrow I would like to share with you some of my thoughts about how to manage the support meeting in your case.
Good night
Ishay

hi elfi and all,
In situations like you have described it is important that the father will feel secure and well protected by the therapist all along the support meeting. It is best that he will know that this is your duty and you will prepare him to the meeting. In the session before the meeting we talk with the parents about the structure of the meeting which last 90 min'.
A suggestion for how to conduct a support meetings:7 steps: 1)First we make a short acquaintance to get know all the participants and their relation to the child(we will make use of that information later on in tailoring the supporters rolls) . 2) We ask the parent to tell his story what had happen in the last months, and why is he asking for help nowadays(it is recommend that the therapist will think over with the parent which details he would like to tell) . In cases when there are participants who disagree or can devalued the parent it is impotent to address their complains in the story telling phase. For example the father can shed alight on the difficulties he and his son were dealing since the death of the mother. he can talk about his mistakes in the past not knowing how to deal with his son problems in times of distress and helplessness and his wish to rehabilitate his relation to his son first by amending his behavior – be more preset in his son's life and acting in NVR ways of actions when confronting with behavior problems. And in is effort to make a change and helping him and his son he has decided to try to recruit supporters, not working alone but as a group 3)presenting the child problems behavior - because of the risk of polarization I would advised to externalize the child problems behavior - to talk about our need to resist some of his behaviors that hearting him and his surroundings such as yelling, clinging behavior in dangerous situations and adding that although it isn’t major problems it is important to deal with them before escalation 4) the therapist represents the idea of support network and it's significant for the parent and for the child 5) opening the meeting for a discussion on the idea of support network – thoughts, feeling, doubts and ets. 6) Explaining the ways the supporters can make contact with the child 6) closing remarks. In the end we can ask who would like to be a supporter and what roll he feels right to take. 7) thanking all the participants in making the effort in coming to the meeting.

best of luck
ishay

Hello Ishay,

Thank you very much for the feedback. It was already usefull for another child whose support network for the family I saw. I will keep you all updated on the evolution of this specific support network gathering.
This forum really helps me strengthen my message.

Elfi.

Elfi hi
I just wanted to tell you that It is really great that we can share our experience, thoughts and knowledge
thanks
ishay