Activists' Community

Hi everybody,

I can only subscribe and stress all positive comments that were made on the training. I somewhat got a kind of NVR-boost, it got under my skin and it keeps itching. Still there's a little inner voice which keeps asking: how come that nothing was mentioned about reconciliation gestures in a basic course? I'm sure an answer will follow.

I would also appreciate some advice on a family which puzzles me. Biological parents and 2 boys of 15 and 8. A lot of violence, mostly between the mother and the oldest son. An announcement was made earlier, the agression of the father reduced. Mother still is very agressive, she keeps being provoked by the oldest boy. At this moment I'm thinking of coaching them more thoroughly in not being provoked. Only, in our setting of home guidance, a social worker goes to the family once, sometimes twice a week. Every social worker has a supervisor who occasionaly sees the family. So we don't have telephone supporters. But I think it might help if the supervisor acts as a telephone supporter. Could it work or am I missing something important here?

Thanks a lot for this forum, in my opinion it will be very precious!
Warm regards,
Patsi

Dear Patsi,
We really wished that we will be able to touch you all with the new authority concept so thanks alot for your charming and touching respond! :-)
As to your question – No you didn't miss something!! and Yes a telephone from the supervisor can be a great help in this case!!!...
Indeed the reconciliation gestures were not in the training and it's a pity but our intention in the short time we had was to put a lot of energy on the less intuitive parts of NVR – meaning Resistance. Our assumption was that the complementary "soft and caring" parts are more intuitive for therapists. I will also use my answer to your case to illustrate that.

Lots of questions need to be answered before we could be more certain on setting a detailed NVR plan. For example What was written in the announcement and how did the child reacted? what helped the father to reduce escalation? What does he thinks about the mothers' escalation? Can he help her in an active way or as happen in many cases he blames the mother for not being able to control herself as he does? What are the provocations that lead to the mothers' aggressiveness? Is there a possibility to recruit also family support in that case? Etc.
I mentioned these questions to demonstrate an NVR way of thinking on a case but I will try to give also some guidelines according to the information you gave here.
First I'm not sure that the target should be the mothers' aggressiveness I think that the focus should be on what kind of behavior she and her husband should resist and then set a sit-in with them. I would do this even when I know that the mother is still aggressive and will not wait until she "calms".
The chances she will be able to control herself will be higher if she feels supported in her resistance to the child provocations! I would use the supervisor support phone after the Sit-In to encourage her. That will enable the supervisor later on to be a supporter for the mother in cases she feels her aggression grows. For example she can SMS to the supervisor in cases that happens or better to call the father. But the second most important thing here is to understand that we will lower the mothers' aggression only if we will make her feel stronger (via a sit-in or supporters…) and not by focusing more on lowering her aggression.
This is the second most important thing because the first one was not mentioned – Please, please check with the parents if the younger boy is afraid or suffers from the older! If this is the case the whole picture changes. Don't forget that as Irit mentioned violence between siblings is the most common family violence and when a 15 yo is aggressive toward his mother I would check very carefully the siblings' relationship!...
Hope that helped a little,
Idan

Hi Idan,

your answer helps a lot, I even feel stronger in not giving up on this family!

I hope the parents are free tomorrow evening or Friday and then I'll do a sit-in with them. Great idea. And of course, we'll check on the younger one, I must admit I forgot this very important issue and hope this is a learner's mistake.

I'll keep you posted on the evolution.
Best regards,
Patsi

Hi Idan,

we (me and my collegue) paid a visit to this family yesterday and I questioned them on your suggested questions. In fact, the father really couldn't think of anything what helped him in reducing his agression. But as I see it, he neglects the boy, he doesn't even dare to say hello to him when he comes home from work in order not to lead to agression. Also, the mother claims keeping very low profile. When she tries to go out in order to prevent her of getting agressive, he attacks her fysically on which she responds with agression. In fact, the boy terrorises the family, his younger brother included, of course.
I stated that we would help her more in coping with her own behaviour in order to stop agression from her behalf. As we know that one visit a week didn't help much, we agreed that as from today, she would first call her husband when she feels that she's getting into trouble, when the boy wouldn't stop, she tries to get out with the younger boy (who they never ever leave alone with the older one!). When it still doesn't help she can call me (supervisor in this case) and we'll try together getting control of her own behaviour. She claims that it is difficult for her to call for help, but I was clear: this is not a question, it's a demand because we, just as much as you do, want it to go better in this family and we believe you can do this.
The mother agreed to be more open to help from her husband as well because this also was an issue. He has the possibility of calling me as well.
A sit-in was explained to them earlier but they never did it. Now they are willing to do it, with the help of our social worker. With the next conflict they will agree on the date and as the parents do the sit-in, our social worker will stay on the first floor with the younger boy.
Most of all, they are finally willing to accept support. By next week, we will get a list of persons who they see as possible supporters and they accepted to set up a supporters meeting. This is great news to me.
I was wondering how come that these parents now seem much more motivated and willing to try what I suggested. I think that it is because since the basic training I got 'infected' with the teams belief and enthousiasm which made me much more convinced about the power of NVR/NA that the parents felt this. Of course, this is hypothetic but I'm really curious on what's to come.
Just for info: we taped the conversation on camera hoping it's usable for further internal training.

Best regards,
Patsi

Hi Patsi!
Sorry about my late respond for your important message I only hope that what I'll add here will also help. I will start with my idea on why the parents are more cooperating now. I believe (although you can never be sure…) that they feel that the focus of your therapy changed from "how should the mother stop her aggression" to "how should we stop the childs' violence" and this is important for the parents. Please try to continue that line as I'll explain now. It is indeed not easy to know that the mother also hit her child but the most urgent focus now must change as I mentioned in my previous respond. The focus should be on stopping him from beating his small brother! I will also ask Irit to help you in preparing a more detailed program but as for now try to set a supporters meeting ASAP with the message – "we are not willing that you will beat your brother". I will strongly recommend that although you know that the mother also beats her own son but just ignore it for now in the supporters meeting. I almost can promise that when she'll feel supported it will not happen again. Now setting a message as to stop a child from beating his younger brother is a message that many supporters will agree to go along with and this can be an important turning point in your treatment. As for the brother who is beaten the supporters should contact him and tell him they will help him so he can call them if needed. But as I mentioned Irit is the expert so she will write more about it

hello. Idan recrute me to answer your Q. about vailont against youger brother.
the most important thing is letting the young boy know that his parent see his suffer and give him the recognition of being buling by his brother. the parent and the supporter of the family become the young boy supporter- after every fight with his brother or after being builing by his brother the parents and the supporter talk with the young boy and write him letters that they heard about what hapened and they will do every thing with in their power to help stop his brother violent toward him. the child can contact the supporter when being heart by his brother and ask their support- come to hekp him or run to them (supporter how live close). the has yo have their telephone number to do so. another thing is not to leave the 2 children by them self with no adoult supervision. give the young boy a separate and safe place to go to when his brother start being violance, a kwy to luck him self in a separate room and a telephone that will be in the room to call help.
give the boy a notebook that he can wrote what his brother is doing to hin and the parents and the supporter read it every day/week and reasponde to the young child that they support his batel against his brother violance. the buling child get letters and telephone from supporter about stop being buling . more ideas are in the notebook from the convantion in the chapter :violance against sibling". good luck
Irit

Thanks for your reply Irit!
I can assure you that the two boys are not left alone without adult supervison. The idea of a notebook is nice and worth introducing. Also the advice to give hem the possibility to lock himself up. It might be possible to recruit the younger one's teacher as a supporter. I'll check up on that. Anyway, the supporters meeting is set on Monday the 21st. I'm looking forward to it. In the meantime I'll read your article.

Best regards,
Patsi